Amazing Savory Griiiiiiiiiiits

I think I may have to disagree with Justin on that last post. I'd rather lead a chaste life of solitude than give up my breakfast food, especially my grits. Don't mess with my grits. I think Jill would have my back on that one. My discovery of these little coarsely ground bits of degerminated corn a few years back was a life-changing experience. Well, not really. But they make a fantastic breakfast and are a great addition to dinner. The creamy texture and subtle flavor lends itself perfectly to bold, spicy dishes and I'm sure you'll see this recipe in many blogs to come. [[jessica]]

Amazing Savory Griiiiiiiiiiits
1 1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup grits (we used Bob's Red Mill corn grits)
1 Tb margarine (we used Earth Balance)
2 Tb nutritional yeast
1 Tb Tofutti cream cheese
salt and pepper to taste

- Bring water and salt to a boil.
- Stir in grits and reduce heat, add margarine, and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.
- Add nutritional yeast and tofutti, stir, and remove from heat.
- Let stand covered a minute before serving with additional salt and pepper to taste. Serves 2

Songs About Food: Jill Scott

"... made me some breakfast: toast, two scrambled eggs, grits ..."

Soul singers are funny, how they're always talking about doing the deed but are often quite modest about the details. Take Jill Scott - one of Philly's best exports, I might add - for example: an entire song about anticipating the nighttime activity, but all we know is that it's going to be "nasty, freaky, just right." On the other hand, we know the exact, specific details of her morning meal. Not only that, but breakfast is so important that it gets its own sweet harmony vocal, sustaining the word "grits" until it sounds like it should be spelled with about eleven "i"s. The listener is left with the distinct impression that Jill is more excited by the food than the sex, which amuses me to no end. I mean, I know breakfast is the most important meal of the day and all, and I'm not even going to try to hate on Jessica's amazing savory grits, but ... come on. [[justin]]

If Breakfast for Dinner Equals Brinner, What Do You Call Cookies for Breakfast?

This morning when I got my early morning hit of liquid crack (aka iced coffee), the guy at the counter asked if he could get me a muffin or scone to go with it. I grabbed a cookie instead - specifically, an Alternative Baking Company Colossal Chocolate Chip Cookie - and told him I was all set. He gave me kind of a funny look, part surprise and part disgust. It was like he thought he could somehow shame me into a more traditional breakfast item but that, my friends, was a futile and failed effort. The way I see it, if man was not meant to have cookies in the morning, God would not have given us Cookie Crisp cereal or put a basket full of them so close to the register at the cafe near my apartment. Plus, if there's one thing I ain't afraid of, it's "no ghost," followed closely by "disappointing a barista." So cookies for breakfast it was.

Of all the vegan cookies out there, these are probably my least favorite. I realize that the point of a cookie is sweetness, but this is overkill. On top of that, the cookie itself is thick and dense, so every bite requires a lot of chewing and you definitely need some kind of drink to go along with it. It's also very filling, more like a dessert than a snack; depending on your mood, this could be either a benefit or a drawback. On the plus side, the chocolate chips are indeed colossal, both in size and quantity. Kudos for that, at least.

All told, I'm not too impressed with this one. It's certainly not bad but I wouldn't call it good, either. Let me put it this way: if you have no other vegan cookie option, this'll do. But if you have a choice, I'd suggest you look elsewhere. [[justin]]

Sesame Peanut Soba

When frequenting our local Asian eateries one of our favorite appetizers of all time is sesame cold noodle. The only downside is that I get beyond full before I'm served my entree, so approach with caution; it's seriously the mac and cheese of Asian cooking, a heavy noodle dish that will bring on a food coma faster than you can say "carbo-load." For this recipe, I lightened it up by using soba, Japanese buckwheat noodles that are traditionally eaten hot in a broth or cold with a dipping sauce. Soba is a great alternative if you're trying to limit your wheat intake and is higher in essential amino acids and antioxidants than regular pasta. At home, we eat it as a main dish or served alongside weekday tofu. Enjoy. [[jessica]]

Sesame Peanut Soba Noodles
8 oz soba noodles
1/3 cup peanut butter
2 Tb soy sauce
1/4 cup warm water
2 Tb lime juice
1 Tb sesame oil
2 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp red pepper flakes
1 tsp agave
1/4 cup crushed peanuts
1 Tb sesame seeds

- Cook pasta in a 6-8 quart pot of boiling water until tender. Drain in a colander, then rinse well under cold water.
- To make dressing, whisk together remaining ingredients in a medium bowl.
- Toss cooked soba noodles with dressing and serve warm or refrigerate and serve as a cold noodle salad. The longer the noodles sit in the sauce the thicker they become so its better to toss right before serving.

Dandy Peas and Beans with Weekday Tofu

I definitely dig on vegan food. From door to door, it's the only thing I think about on my way home from work. Today it was creamy curry paired with marinated tofu. I couldn't imagine a better meal to pacify my hectic day; curry is truly my comfort food. As usual, the availability of my ingredients dictated the stars of this dish. Today I had left over peas and a can of white beans. Vegan food is good, but vegan food on the cheap is even better. Just call me the veggie Frugal Gourmet (minus the whole gross scandal part.)

Don't let the expansive ingredient list scare you. This is a very simple recipe and once you get the hang of the curry basics you can use it on anything. [[jessica]]

Dandy Peas and Beans
1 cup peas
1 can white beans
2 Tb oil
1/8 tsp celery seed
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp red pepper flakes
1/4 tsp cumin
1/2 Tb garam marsala
1 tsp minced garlic
1 Tb soy sauce
2 Tb nutritional yeast flakes
2 Tb faux sour cream (we used Tofutti)
2 tsp lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste

- Heat oil in a pan and add spices cook on medium heat until fragrant, about 2 minutes.
- Add peas and beans to spice mixture, continue to cook until peas and beans are heated though, about 5 minutes. Stir in nutritional yeast and sour cream. Salt and pepper to taste.
YUM.

Weekday Tofu
1 block tofu, drained
4 Tb soy sauce
2 tsp miran
2 Tb oil
salt pepper and/or sesame gomasio

- Cut pressed tofu into 6 slices.
- Place in container and cover with soy sauce and miran.
- Refrigerate marinating tofu for 3+ hours. (You can do this before you go to work and it'll be ready for the fry pan by dinner)
- Heat oil in a skillet, add tofu and brown each side, approximately 5 minutes a side on medium high heat.
- Salt and pepper to taste and/or top with a dash of Gomasio. (The soy sauce usually adds enough salt but use your discretion)
- Serve with a side of vegetables or on a roll as a tasty sandwich (the possibilities are endless!)
- Eat it.

Songs About Food: The Dandy Warhols

"... if you dig on vegan food come over to my work, I'll have them cook you something that you'll really love, 'cause I like you ..."

The Dandy Warhols were inconsistent, true, but when they hit, they hit big and this is arguably their finest moment. Maybe you could sway me towards "Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth," but it would be a tough sell. However you rank them, this is a retro-alternapop classic and a fantastic way to start the week. Enjoy! [[justin]]

Sassy McSunshine Sausage Gravy with Homeboy Home Fries

The morning started with a rush of excitement. Restful sleep. Sunshine. Child breath. After the ritual of “abc’s on the ‘puter” we got the “I’m huuuungry” from the littlest J. My internal catalog of breakfast options goes into overdrive as I’m flooded with a profusion of epicurean fantasies. The possibilities are endless and my decisionmaking skills are subpar so as Justin was leaving for a quick run to the store his parting words of “It’s all gravy baby” were the inspiration for a salty spicy sauce of breakfasting perfection. Today’s creation was a variation of Justin’s recent morning favorite of sausage and potatoes and thankfully the alteration was a swimming success for both little and big J. Happiness abounds and it was a very filling start to a beautiful spring day. [[jessica]]

Sassy McSunshine Sausage Gravy
aka: Justin’s “special” sausage
2 links of precooked “sausage” sliced (we used Tofurkey Italian)
1/2 medium onion diced thin
2 cloves garlic minced
2 Tb soy margarine (we used Earth Balance)
1/2 Tsp garlic powder
1/2 Tsp onion powder
1/8 tsp each: celery seed, sage, rosemary (optional)
2 Tb flour
2 Tb nutritional yeast (nutg)
1 1/2 Tb Braggs or soy sauce
1 vegetable bouillon (we used no-chicken Better Than Bouillon) diluted in 1 1/4 cup water or vegetable broth
salt and pepper to taste

- Saute onion and garlic and spices in margarine until tender.
- Add the flour and nutg to onion mixture and stir. Heat for 3 minutes, this will turn into a golden paste or a light rue.
- Once thickened, slowly begin to stir in broth and Braggs. Cook until you reach your desired consistency, about 7 minutes. The gravy will thicken the longer it cooks so more water may be necessary.
- Adjust your seasoning and add the sausage. Continue to cook until sausage is heated though.
- Serve with home-fries or biscuits.

Homeboy Home-fries
4 medium red skin potatoes, cubed 1/2” skins on
2 Tb oil
1 tsp adobo seasoning
1/2 tsp onion powder
3 cloves garlic, minced
Salt and pepper
2 Tb water

- In a nonstick pan heat oil and add potatoes and spices.
- Cook on high heat for about 5 minutes so potatoes begin to brown and crust, stirring occasionally.
- Add water and cover pan, cook for about 10 minutes until potatoes are tender.
- Remove lid and adjust your seasoning. Continue to brown potatoes to your liking.
- Serve with Sassy McSunshine Sausage Gravy or some fancy ketchup.

Citizens Bank Park: Vegan Baseball Burger

Baseball. My mind conjures the image of loud, stanking drunk men using extremely perverse language to convey their discontent over the futile performance of obscenely overpaid professional athletes, smelling like drunk men do in the midsummer heat ... a culture a girl like myself can hardly identify with.

I'll admit, I was skeptical of this whole baseball thing. When the Phillies were winning the World Series I was sick with a stomach virus in a Ft. Lauderdale airport bathroom and during the parade I was stuck in a conference for work. Needless to say, I did not catch the fever and never in my wildest dreams would I pair baseball games with yummy vegan treats but I am just tickled by these little amazing discoveries. As Justin so lovingly blogged about his hot dog, I feel it necessary to comment on the burger that I devoured at the park:

So, in terms of vendor food at a major sporting event, I was thoroughly impressed with this vegan option. Usually I would be content with a basket of greasy fries doused in ketchup and deal with the consequences of said actions later. Instead I was greeted with the option of protein and vegetables in the form of an all American classic. Hurray! BUT ... Coming from a vegan who's eaten her fair share of veggie burgers this one ranked pretty low on the overall burger scale of perfection. It had promise with it's appealing crispy golden exterior and its habitat of a hearty roll but it all fell apart in the flavor and texture department. It was obviously made by a person unfamiliar with vegetarian cooking due to the lack of creativity and flavor. Onions, carrots, and peas oh my! Usually I'm a fan of the natural burgers that don't try to imitate meat but this was a clusterf*ck of steamed veg and bready binder. Some seasoning and soy sauce would have helped cut the "blah" but I can't say I minded the lack of originality all that much. This meal really was a case of "its the thought that counts." So, thanks baseball. [[jessica]]

Citizens Bank Park: The Vegan Dog

It was bound to happen eventually. No one can stay perfect forever; not even Eric Gagne, who was pretty much unhittable for three seasons with L.A. - 84 straight saves, for God's sake! But where is he now? Stuck with a minor league contract in Milwaukee, coming off a 2008 season that saw him dropping 7 of 17 opportunities while racking up a ginormous 5.41 ERA, and implicated in the Mitchell Report. So I'm not entirely certain why we expected anything more from Brad Lidge, but we did. When he took the mound tonight in the ninth inning with a one run lead, most of us thought it was going in the win column. After watching it happen 41 times in 2008 (not to mention the postseason), I'm quite certain that the entire Philadelphia dugout thought so, too. Frankly, I'd be willing to bet that most of the Padres probably also thought the same thing, except for maybe Brian Giles and Kevin Kouzmanoff, who hit their way into a four-run Padres ninth, sinking Lidge's consecutive streak at 47 and ending our hopes of a Phils victory. Disappointing, sure, and there were no shortage of Philly sports bloggers ready to string him up by his socks for it, but I think we should cut Lidge a break. Better to see a blown save two weeks in than with two weeks left, I say. Plus, recent history suggests that the Phils are late bloomers: last year on April 18, they were then (8-10, .444, 3 games back) almost exactly where they are now (5-6, .455, 5.5 games back) and I would imagine that most of us still remember last October 29 quite well, thank you very much. So maybe now is not the time to judge our closer on one blown save. Instead, let's focus on more immediately troublesome pitching issues (Chan Ho Park? Really? Who keeps giving this guy contracts?!?) and puzzling developments with the offense (is Rollins really starting the season 5 for 41??). And, of course, we certainly can't forget to discuss the incredibly veg/vegan-friendly oasis that is Citizens Bank Park ...

If you're willing to give a custom order, there's absolutely no shortage of vegan options at the ballpark. Although tomato pies aren't on the menu, any of the pizza places - Logan Square (Field Level and Ashburn Alley) or Washington Square (Club and Terrace Levels) - can hold the cheese on request; Planet Hoagie (Ashburn Alley) has a number of salad options that can also be de-cheesed and veganized. Fantastic options, indeed, but if you're a purist like me, not really so exciting. I don't want to eat a salad at a baseball game. I want a hot dog. An over-condimented belly buster that requires the dexterity of a brain surgeon to eat without staining your home jersey but still takes a small tree's worth of napkin products to get the residual fixins off your fingers. Something that looks remarkably similar to this bad boy right here:

Oh yes. A warm not-dog ($3.75, only available at the South Philly Market by Section 128 on the Field Level) on a soft, chewy bun with ketchup, mustard, onions, and relish. This is the kind of dog that was custom-built for county fairs, boardwalks, family reunion cookouts, and ballgames. The kind of dog that tastes like summer. The kind of dog that finally lets vegans mean it when they sing, "I don't care if I ever get back" and root, root, root for the home team.

If you're like me and don't want to special order, hot dogs aren't the only menu option. There's also a vegan burger available (South Philly Market locations on all three levels). I can't offer a firsthand opinion, but it sure looked good and I think it's probably safe to say that Jessica enjoyed it:

Uh, damn, girl, save me a bite!

I should also point out that Citizens Bank Park was named PETA's most vegetarian-friendly ballpark in 2007 and 2008. Those years also marked the Phillies' first postseason appearances since their World Series loss to Toronto in 1993. Correlation or causation? You be the judge. All I have to say is "go veg" and "go Phils!" [[justin]]

Philadelphia Bookfest

They're grilling vegan burgers outside the Whole Foods on 20th and Pennsylvania. Only two bucks each and proceeds benefit the Free Library. Life is good. [[j & j (and jr.)]]

Dinner is a Time for Love and/or Loss

Earlier tonight I went over to Fu-Wah (810 S. 47th at Baltimore, West Philadelphia, 215.729.2993) for dinner. I say "dinner" generically only because, as far as I can tell, there's only one deli item there that anyone ever orders. Hence, to name it specifically seems like it would be redundant, much like the phrases "Philadelphia crime spree" or "terrible Adam Sandler movie." This certainly isn't to say that Fu-Wah only offers one item on the deli menu. Far from it; there's a large board above the counter that lists dozens of options for the discerning West Philly gourmand. This is simply to say that I have just never heard or seen anyone, at any time, ever, ordering anything but this one particular item:

The Fu-Wah Tofu Hoagie. I capitalize every word because to do any less would blaspheme the perfection of this sandwich. I'm tempted to say that the experience of eating this hoagie is like having an orgasm in your mouth, but doing so would, I'm sure, just invite a trail of "that's what she said" comments from similarly-immature readers. So let's just say that it's good. Really, really good. Marinated Vietnamese tofu, cilantro, grilled shredded carrot and daikon, Sriracha sauce, and jalapenos (I usually omit these from my order, but whatever), all encased in a lightly toasted long roll. Sometimes the roll is extra crispy and leaves crumbs all over your shirt; I wear them as a sort of badge of pride, to be honest, but that's the only real X-factor here. What remains constant from order to order - and I've probably eaten over a hundred of these since I moved into the neighborhood last January - is this: a giant, meal-sized hoagie prepared to a consistently high standard of excellence at a shockingly low price ($3.75!). All that, and friendly people, too: when was the last time the owner of a corner store apologized to you for having to add sixty cents to the price of a bottled Tazo iced tea - a product they began stocking specifically because you asked him to, I might add - because of issues with his distributor? Never, that's when. Happened to me at Fu-Wah two weeks ago. When was the last time you walked into a corner store and saw "Rush Hour 2" muted on the TV while MC Hammer played on the stereo and the owner alternated between quoting lines from the film and lines from the song and all the while everyone in the store was smiling from ear to ear at how awesome it was? Never, that's when. Happened to me at Fu-Wah last summer. To say that I love everything about this market, and this hoagie, would be an understatement. And from what I gather, most of my fellow West Philadelphians feel very much the same.

Perhaps you can imagine my surprise and dismay, then, when I walked in to order my dinner and was told that they "ran out of tofu about an hour ago." Huh? Such an event never even registered as possible in my mind. It's the functional equivalent of going to Sunoco and finding out that they ran out of gasoline earlier in the day. Honestly, I haven't been that disappointed since they cancelled "Freaks and Geeks," but that's another post for another blogspot. But I soldiered onwards and up, making my way back to the freezer section where I was pleased to discover a better-than-average selection of vegan-friendly frozen foods. Actually, scratch that. Compared to what you'd find at the average corner store, Fu-Wah's selection was outstanding. I settled on an Amy's dairy-free bean and rice burrito. It was overpriced by a couple bucks ($3.99), true, but I can't even bring myself to hate on that because I would gladly have paid an extra two dollars for every tofu hoagie I've ever ordered there; by my calculations, then, I'm still way, way ahead of the curve.

The rest of the story goes just like the rest of every other story I've ever told about trying to microwave a burrito at home: I wrapped it in a sheet of Bounty and turned it over halfway through the cooking time, just like the directions said. I cooked it for exactly as long as suggested, not a second more or less. Still, it ended up tooth-splittingly solid and boiling hot at the edges; cool and, um, "refreshing" in the middle. Plus, the paper towel somehow managed to glue itself to the tortilla, which then tore a giant hole from the center of the burrito during the unwrapping, so I couldn't eat it vertically like a normal person. Instead I had to hold it like a slice of pizza and alternate between small, awkwardly tentative bites and these weird quasi-sexual slurpings at the exposed burrito innards. Of course, despite my near-obsessive attempts to eat cleanly, I still ended up with a massive bean spill all over the upper front half of my body. Which rules for two reasons. First, because I was wearing a white t-shirt and nothing says "classy guy" like a white tee with a food stain dead in the center. Second, because it was the boiling hot edge that spilled, inextricably tangling itself between my chin beard and epidermis, thus leaving me with a giant (and sexy!) red blister under my bottom lip. Also awesome: did you know that greasy overheated beans actually bounce when they make contact with cotton fabrics, leaving a three-inch long trail of slovenly footprints on your person? Neither did I, but there it was, food science in action.

So this summer, if you see some herpes-mouth Wisenheimer walking into Fu-Wah wearing a (mostly) white shirt and looking confused by a tofu shortage, remind me to try the teriyaki rice bowl instead. Thanks very much in advance. [[justin]]

Rock Can-dy (Double Da Dee Double Dee)

When I was in elementary school, I used to get extremely excited about the science fair. Yeah, I know, I know, I'm a nerd, whatever. Oddly, my excitement for the event was always counteracted by my greater excitement for practicing the fine art of being lazy. So every year was exactly the same: lag all quarter, rush like a madman the week before, barely pull together a half-assed project in time, end up with a C+. Perhaps this is why I grew up to become a social scientist instead of a real scientist, but I digress. Today's recipe is a shout out to the song of the week and my annual science fair fallback plan; it's everything a good snack should be - simple, tasty, and fun. [[justin]]

Rock Can-dy (Double Da Dee Double Dee)
4 cups granulated sugar
2 cups water
food coloring (if desired)
glass jar (a large mason jar works well)
wooden skewer (a chopstick would also work)
2 clothespins

- Prepare the skewer by wetting the bottom (pointy) half with water and rolling it in a bit of the granulated sugar. This acts as a primer coat that the candy crystals will attach themselves to in the next part of the process. Set the skewer aside to dry.
- Once the skewer is dry, pour the water into a pot and bring to a boil on medium heat. Once boiling, add the sugar in 1/2 cup increments and continue to boil until it is all fully dissolved. Remove from heat and cool for five or six minutes. If you're going to add food coloring, do it now.
- Pour the sugar water into the jar, then lower the sugarcoated portion of the skewer into the center of the jar and affix in place using the clothespins. Important: leave about 1-1.5" between the pointy tip of the skewer and the bottom/sides of the jar so the candy only attaches itself to the stick, not the glass. Your finished product should look something like this picture that I pinched from about.com:


- Set the jar in a cool, dry place where your four-year-old son won't be able to fool around with it at every available opportunity *ahem*. Cover the top loosely with Saran Wrap or a paper towel/wax paper secured in place with a rubber band.
- Go watch "The Wrestler" and rethink all the life choices that got you exactly where you are today. That should kill six or seven hours; plenty of time for the first crystals to form. If so, congratulations, you've finally been successful at something! If not, just swallow sadness (like a boss) and pour the water back into your pot; bring to a boil and dissolve more sugar - 1 cup, added in 1/2 cup increments, ought to do it - repeating the steps as above.
- Let the candy grow for a few days until the skewer has a generous candy coating. Be sure to look in on it periodically so it doesn't get so large that it attaches itself to the jar. When it's ready - or when you're just getting too damn sick of waiting for it to be ready - remove the skewer and lay it on a paper towel to dry for a few minutes.
- Eat now or wrap in Saran Wrap and save for later.

Songs About Food: Flo Rida

"... so, so delicious, can’t help my interest, candy addiction. ..."

It's not even May yet, and already we have our probable number one jam of the year here: Flo Rida's "Sugar." I love the Eiffel 65 sample; that this guy thinks people have forty-two teeth; that a big macho rapper can write an entire song about something as innocent as making out. I haven't fallen this hard, this fast, for a radio pop track since Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" in 2006. Sure, it's a simile and is only "about" food in the most liberal construction of the term, but this song is far too excellent to let that little detail stand in the way. My only regret is that I couldn't find the official video, but whatever, this clip will suffice. Just don't blame me if/when you find yourself walking around all day humming "da double dee double da dee double dee double da." [[justin]]

Beet Love

Last night's frozen pizza had a partner in crime which should not go without proper recognition. As an attempt to get some more veg into our diet and use up some stocked can food I cooked up some beets and fancified the crap out of them. It should also be noted that this particular dish was the catalyst to perhaps the funniest food related thing Justin has ever said. (This is saying a lot because he is quite the jokester.) Be sure to check back for the illustrated interpretation. Regardless, I'll share the pants off this recipe. Dare me.

Fancy Pants Beets
1 can of beets (you can use fresh just cook 'um longer)
1 Tb of Earth Balance margarine
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp dried thyme
2 cloves garlic minced
Salt and pepper to taste.

- Heat the margarine in a pan, toss in remaining ingredients and cook until heated through.
- Eat it.

Amazingly simple. Anyone can do it. [[jessica]]

What's Better, Bad Pizza or No Pizza At All?

As you can see, the X-axis (the horizontal one, for those of you who don’t remember your high school maths) represents the amount of the pizza that I consumed. The Y-axis, “Level of Enjoyment,” is a bit more subjective. Let’s say that 10 represents total dining nirvana, 0 represents accidentally touching your tongue after changing a dirty diaper, and 5 represents the point at which you start thinking to yourself, “there has got to be something else to eat around here.”

Kashi's Sicilian Veggie pizza ($6.99, Whole Foods) started off with some promise. Not the best frozen pizza I’ve ever tasted (CPK’s five cheese and tomato, in the pre-vegan days), and not even the best frozen vegan pizza (Amy’s roasted vegetable), but a solid contender. It looked more or less exactly like the photo on the box, cooked evenly all the way through, and had a pleasant aroma. Solid crust – crispy on the outside and chewy in the middle. I’m not a huge fan of eggplant, the key topping here, so the initial bite didn’t rank so high, but otherwise I anticipated a solid pizza experience.

After that first bite, though, a funny thing happened. Each successive bite got less and less enjoyable. As shown above, by the time I was 1/3 of the way through it I was past the point of considering my other options and sinking fast. I started taking off the toppings, which improved things a bit (note the slight upwards trend between 40-50 percent eaten), but the real redemption came roughly at the halfway mark, when I doused the thing in Sriracha rooster sauce. I wonder if there is a food that could not be improved by applying a liberal dose of this magical, wonderful condiment of taste-enhancing perfection? I think not. The enjoyment trend turned immediately, and sharply, upwards, nearing a state of edible bliss as the ratio of pizza to hot sauce decreased towards a 1:1 equilibrium. In fact, the last “bite” – the highest-rated and most enjoyable – was little more than me licking the excess Sriracha remnants from my thumb and index finger.

Overall, I’d have to say that this was a pretty disappointing pizza. I certainly wouldn’t buy it again, although I might give it another chance if someone gave me one for free. The real winner here? Sriracha, once again proving that if brown is the new black and thirty is the new twenty, then hot sauce is the new ketchup. [[justin]]

... and It's Vegan, Too!

Spicy soup that tastes like cock?? This never ceases to amuse me. [[justin]]

This French Toast Is Not Just a Rapper's Delight

Let me just say it again: I really, really, really love "Rapper's Delight." So much so that it inspired me to make some breakfast toast. But where's the challenge in that? Anyone can put some bread in the toaster and push the lever down. Instead, here's a recipe for French toast (or, "Freedom" toast, if you still buy into that sort of thing). It might look like a lot of steps but if you read through it before you start, I think you'll find that it's pretty simple. [[justin]]

You Can Brag and Boast About This French Toast
2 Tb tahini
1 Tb nut butter (peanut, almond, macadamia ... be creative!)
3/4 cup soymilk
1 Tb maple syrup
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 Tb flour
6 slices bread (white or sourdough for the most traditional variety, a seeded multigrain for some extra crunch and a heartier texture)
1 Tb canola oil

- Mix tahini, nut butter, soymilk, maple syrup, vanilla, and cinnamon together until smooth
- Add flour until the mixture is thoroughly blended (no clumps or dry bubbles)
- Add oil to a nonstick skillet. Turn heat to medium
- One at a time, drop slices of bread into the batter mix. Make sure the entire slice is coated generously, then drop into heated pan and fry until golden brown on both sides (5 minutes, give or take, depending on your stovetop)
- Pan --> plate. Admire your creation
- Add your favorite toppings. We like bananas and maple syrup but you could also make a strong argument in favor of strawberries, walnuts, powdered sugar, agave nectar, etc.
- Serve with a big glass of soymilk and enjoy!

Songs About Food: The Sugarhill Gang

"... I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but we like hot butter on our breakfast toast ..."
Extended commentary is unnecessary: This is the greatest song ever written, so just turn it up and bask in the greatness. [[justin]]

Snack Foods and the Construction of Language

True story: when I first considered going vegan, I asked my friend Matt (aka Vegan Matt) a lot of questions: what can you eat besides vegetables; is it hard to go out to restaurants; do you have to spend a lot more on groceries; and so on. The types of questions that we all have/had when making this decision. So he's telling me about the different meat substitutes available - tempeh, TVP, tofu, Satan - and in my mind, I'm like, "Whoa! Hold up. Vegans eat something called 'Satan'? That is so metal! I'm sold!" In my mind's eye, I had visions - beautiful, sweet visions - of meatless cookouts with the guys from Slayer. Composting with Opeth. Community gardening with Metallica (not Lars, though; that dude seems a little too high-strung for me). God, it was going to be so very awesome.

Can you guess how disappointed I was when I learned the awful truth about homonyms that day?

Flash forward two years and I'm in the natural foods aisle at Giant when I stumble across Primal Strips *ahem* Seitan *sigh* Thai Peanut Jerky. I love seitan. I love Thai food. I love peanuts. How could I resist a purchase?

The first thing I noticed is that you pretty much need to have the upper arm strength of a professional arm wrestler to get the packaging open. Either that or just carry a small hunting knife with you because, seriously, you will sit in your car in the parking lot for ten minutes trying to tear the plastic into an opening sufficiently large enough to remove the food inside. So frustrating, but I'm pleased to report that it's well worth the effort. Each package has three thin strips of jerky, each about one inch by two inches - perfect for a personal snack or sharing with a friend. The peanut undertones of the seasoning complemented the seitan without overwhelming it, so it has a nice robust flavor but isn't terribly spicy like jerky often can be. Being a big fan of hot sauce and spice (and Spice Girls, but that's another story), I could have done with a bit more heat here, but this was by no means a dealbreaker. Like meat jerky, each strip is tough and chewy and will give you TMJ if you try to eat too much in one sitting. Also like meat jerky, it's greasy and will leave you in desperate need of a good hand-washing when you're finished. Unlike a lot of vegan snacks, you could probably feed this to a carnivore and get a positive reaction but I hope I'm wrong about that; if they don't like it, more for us! [[justin]]

Iron(ic) Chef America

This magnet got prime real estate on the fridge, which means that we're either bad vegans or good ironists. Or maybe a bit of both. However you judge it, this may have been the best $3.75 we've ever spent at Whole Foods. [[j & j]]