Beet Love

Last night's frozen pizza had a partner in crime which should not go without proper recognition. As an attempt to get some more veg into our diet and use up some stocked can food I cooked up some beets and fancified the crap out of them. It should also be noted that this particular dish was the catalyst to perhaps the funniest food related thing Justin has ever said. (This is saying a lot because he is quite the jokester.) Be sure to check back for the illustrated interpretation. Regardless, I'll share the pants off this recipe. Dare me.

Fancy Pants Beets
1 can of beets (you can use fresh just cook 'um longer)
1 Tb of Earth Balance margarine
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp dried thyme
2 cloves garlic minced
Salt and pepper to taste.

- Heat the margarine in a pan, toss in remaining ingredients and cook until heated through.
- Eat it.

Amazingly simple. Anyone can do it. [[jessica]]

What's Better, Bad Pizza or No Pizza At All?

As you can see, the X-axis (the horizontal one, for those of you who don’t remember your high school maths) represents the amount of the pizza that I consumed. The Y-axis, “Level of Enjoyment,” is a bit more subjective. Let’s say that 10 represents total dining nirvana, 0 represents accidentally touching your tongue after changing a dirty diaper, and 5 represents the point at which you start thinking to yourself, “there has got to be something else to eat around here.”

Kashi's Sicilian Veggie pizza ($6.99, Whole Foods) started off with some promise. Not the best frozen pizza I’ve ever tasted (CPK’s five cheese and tomato, in the pre-vegan days), and not even the best frozen vegan pizza (Amy’s roasted vegetable), but a solid contender. It looked more or less exactly like the photo on the box, cooked evenly all the way through, and had a pleasant aroma. Solid crust – crispy on the outside and chewy in the middle. I’m not a huge fan of eggplant, the key topping here, so the initial bite didn’t rank so high, but otherwise I anticipated a solid pizza experience.

After that first bite, though, a funny thing happened. Each successive bite got less and less enjoyable. As shown above, by the time I was 1/3 of the way through it I was past the point of considering my other options and sinking fast. I started taking off the toppings, which improved things a bit (note the slight upwards trend between 40-50 percent eaten), but the real redemption came roughly at the halfway mark, when I doused the thing in Sriracha rooster sauce. I wonder if there is a food that could not be improved by applying a liberal dose of this magical, wonderful condiment of taste-enhancing perfection? I think not. The enjoyment trend turned immediately, and sharply, upwards, nearing a state of edible bliss as the ratio of pizza to hot sauce decreased towards a 1:1 equilibrium. In fact, the last “bite” – the highest-rated and most enjoyable – was little more than me licking the excess Sriracha remnants from my thumb and index finger.

Overall, I’d have to say that this was a pretty disappointing pizza. I certainly wouldn’t buy it again, although I might give it another chance if someone gave me one for free. The real winner here? Sriracha, once again proving that if brown is the new black and thirty is the new twenty, then hot sauce is the new ketchup. [[justin]]

... and It's Vegan, Too!

Spicy soup that tastes like cock?? This never ceases to amuse me. [[justin]]

This French Toast Is Not Just a Rapper's Delight

Let me just say it again: I really, really, really love "Rapper's Delight." So much so that it inspired me to make some breakfast toast. But where's the challenge in that? Anyone can put some bread in the toaster and push the lever down. Instead, here's a recipe for French toast (or, "Freedom" toast, if you still buy into that sort of thing). It might look like a lot of steps but if you read through it before you start, I think you'll find that it's pretty simple. [[justin]]

You Can Brag and Boast About This French Toast
2 Tb tahini
1 Tb nut butter (peanut, almond, macadamia ... be creative!)
3/4 cup soymilk
1 Tb maple syrup
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 Tb flour
6 slices bread (white or sourdough for the most traditional variety, a seeded multigrain for some extra crunch and a heartier texture)
1 Tb canola oil

- Mix tahini, nut butter, soymilk, maple syrup, vanilla, and cinnamon together until smooth
- Add flour until the mixture is thoroughly blended (no clumps or dry bubbles)
- Add oil to a nonstick skillet. Turn heat to medium
- One at a time, drop slices of bread into the batter mix. Make sure the entire slice is coated generously, then drop into heated pan and fry until golden brown on both sides (5 minutes, give or take, depending on your stovetop)
- Pan --> plate. Admire your creation
- Add your favorite toppings. We like bananas and maple syrup but you could also make a strong argument in favor of strawberries, walnuts, powdered sugar, agave nectar, etc.
- Serve with a big glass of soymilk and enjoy!

Songs About Food: The Sugarhill Gang

"... I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but we like hot butter on our breakfast toast ..."
Extended commentary is unnecessary: This is the greatest song ever written, so just turn it up and bask in the greatness. [[justin]]

Snack Foods and the Construction of Language

True story: when I first considered going vegan, I asked my friend Matt (aka Vegan Matt) a lot of questions: what can you eat besides vegetables; is it hard to go out to restaurants; do you have to spend a lot more on groceries; and so on. The types of questions that we all have/had when making this decision. So he's telling me about the different meat substitutes available - tempeh, TVP, tofu, Satan - and in my mind, I'm like, "Whoa! Hold up. Vegans eat something called 'Satan'? That is so metal! I'm sold!" In my mind's eye, I had visions - beautiful, sweet visions - of meatless cookouts with the guys from Slayer. Composting with Opeth. Community gardening with Metallica (not Lars, though; that dude seems a little too high-strung for me). God, it was going to be so very awesome.

Can you guess how disappointed I was when I learned the awful truth about homonyms that day?

Flash forward two years and I'm in the natural foods aisle at Giant when I stumble across Primal Strips *ahem* Seitan *sigh* Thai Peanut Jerky. I love seitan. I love Thai food. I love peanuts. How could I resist a purchase?

The first thing I noticed is that you pretty much need to have the upper arm strength of a professional arm wrestler to get the packaging open. Either that or just carry a small hunting knife with you because, seriously, you will sit in your car in the parking lot for ten minutes trying to tear the plastic into an opening sufficiently large enough to remove the food inside. So frustrating, but I'm pleased to report that it's well worth the effort. Each package has three thin strips of jerky, each about one inch by two inches - perfect for a personal snack or sharing with a friend. The peanut undertones of the seasoning complemented the seitan without overwhelming it, so it has a nice robust flavor but isn't terribly spicy like jerky often can be. Being a big fan of hot sauce and spice (and Spice Girls, but that's another story), I could have done with a bit more heat here, but this was by no means a dealbreaker. Like meat jerky, each strip is tough and chewy and will give you TMJ if you try to eat too much in one sitting. Also like meat jerky, it's greasy and will leave you in desperate need of a good hand-washing when you're finished. Unlike a lot of vegan snacks, you could probably feed this to a carnivore and get a positive reaction but I hope I'm wrong about that; if they don't like it, more for us! [[justin]]

Iron(ic) Chef America

This magnet got prime real estate on the fridge, which means that we're either bad vegans or good ironists. Or maybe a bit of both. However you judge it, this may have been the best $3.75 we've ever spent at Whole Foods. [[j & j]]